Consciously Navigating Change

by Deni Tato, President - October 2010

Change remains the constant in our lives, yet is often resisted. We can’t stop life from flowing.  Yet when change occurs we are left with feelings of loss around “what was,” and avoidance of “what is”.  Change is eternal and necessary. 

The mythical phoenix teaches us about change.  Change is required for anything to come into completion and for anything new to come into being.  Change brings transformation.  Understanding this can help us more readily accept and deal with what the present moment holds.

Whenever we resist change, we go through a phase of grieving.  Elisabeth Kubler-Ross designed a framework called the “grief cycle.”  It is not a process, which implies something fixed and constant.  Instead, it is a model which is less specific, and we move back and forth through these stages until the cycle is complete.  This model can help explain how and why “time heals” and “life goes on.” When we can emotionally understand what is happening inside us, it makes dealing any with resistance to change easier.

Five Stages of Grief from Elisabeth Kubler- Ross

Stage 1 – Denial
This is the conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, and reality relating to the situation concerned.  It is part of our defensive structure.

Stage 2 – Anger
Anger can manifest in many ways.  We can be upset with ourselves, or others, especially those close to us.

Stage 3- Bargaining
In the Bargaining stage, we often hope to negotiate a compromise.  This rarely provides a sustainable solution.  In a break-up, it might be wondering “Can we still be friends?”  Bargaining shows up in looking for ways we can retain the old ways of operating.

Stage 4- Depression
Depression sets in as we begin to accept the change, yet there is a strong emotional attachment.  We are resisting less, but still haven’t embraced the change.

Stage 5- Acceptance
This stage indicates a level of emotional detachment and objectivity.  We have incorporated the change into our daily lives.

Whether we are facing major changes or have lost something like our job or a person we love, it is important for us to put time aside for ourselves to truly feel the weight of what we are experiencing.  Distracting ourselves with activities to temporarily take our mind off the sadness actually makes the healing process more difficult and delays acceptance.  When we give ourselves full permission to be present with whatever arises, it actually creates space for the healing process to transform us.

If you are a friend or family member witnessing another’s loss, simply let that person know that you are holding the space for them to experience whatever comes up without judgment. The act of grieving is a natural and organic process. It allows us to sort through the full range of emotions that are present in our lives.  We need to listen to our inner voice and experience the emotions we might otherwise want to repress.  If not acknowledged and expressed, those emotions grow in intensity and manifest themselves in more powerful and less comfortable ways.  We become more reactive.

Change doesn’t have to keep us firmly planted in negative thoughts and fears.  By noticing our feelings without judgment, we will make room for the inevitable:  everything comes to pass.  In the universal flow all moments come to pass whether they are moments of happiness, denial, anger, or sadness.

You don’t have to dwell on whether or not something should be happening to you. Instead of grappling over the facts, realize that the best choice is to accept the change and give up the life that has been, in order to make room for the life that is.   I call this the “choiceless choice.”  Making the choice to accept the changes in our lives, and to release what was, is a powerful focusing agent when navigating a spiritual path.

“The more we fully experience that which is difficult, the more it pulls and drives us with its weight toward the center of life.” Rainier Maria Rilke